riddle

Yes, holding her by the hand and staying by her side are not enough for a person who has lot to say but cannot express it. My mother who suffered a stroke and affected her speech, guessing what she wanted to say is the most we can do. It is more than a pantomime. More than a “pinoy-henyo” game. I can see in her eyes the disappointment in times we could not get what she wanted to say. And then withdraw the attempt to drag it further, maybe believing we cannot understand it, and better keep it to herself. Maybe when her speech returns, she would later tell it at once.

While visiting her one day at the hospital, three days after she returned from a long sleep of tetanus treatment, about a month already after admission to the hospital, she tried to lift her hand and move along her face. Holding her hand when it dropped to her tracheo tubes, I was patiently waiting her hand to drop and immediately hold it not to touch the tubes, which would bring the ventilator machine to an alarming beep because the oxygen tube will be disengaged from the plastic attachment in her throat that aids to her breathing. Thinking that it was something itchy in her nose, I scratched it. I could see there was a relief (I guess so). Though, week later we found out that her nose has already a sore because of the NGT (Naso-gastric tube). She tried to reach her nose to tell us that something is wrong in it, but we did not get it. I was just grateful that her new doctor is as compassionate with her previous doctor, who handled her for the tetanus case.

Ahh, I recalled before she was brought back to the hospital for supposedly follow-up check up, after a week of being discharged, my mother entered my room and was calling me in the door. I could see her standing through the diffused light from the street. I intentionally left my room open so I would hear whatever was happening downstairs. Quickly I jumped off from bed and turned the lights on. I asked her, “cant you sleep?” She just answered with a nod. I led her downstairs and offered to accompany her watch TV until she would be sleepy. After 20 minutes, seeing that I was so tired from work, she said we sleep now. I sent her to her room and went upstairs to get a sleep for tomorrows 5-hour travel back to the hospital. My older sister who was sleeping also at my mother’s room did not even notice that my mother passed her when she left the room.

The night after the check-up, we crammed in the small place of my other sister with her husband, in the city. With a light dimly lit, my younger sister noticed that our mother was standing in the door looking at us sleeping soundly. She did not call anyone of us. She just stood there for a time as was later known by my sister. My sister stepped out of the room and ushered Nanay to the sala and asked her “whats up?”. The only response she uttered was “lisod” (hard). Seeing that she really had difficulty in swallowing, and was shown by her breathing, my sister raised the headboard of the folding bed and sent Nanay to sleep.

It was only when she was admitted for Tetanus that we realized what my mother wanted to say was “hard to breath” or “hard to swallow” and that she wanted to be brought to the hospital. She just cant say “hospital”. Or maybe we did not think that there was something not right. There was really something that she could not express nudging us to get some medical aid. We were not alarmed because we did not suspect of other disease or disorder aside from the stroke. We were confident that all was caused by stroke and believing that the stiffness on her jaw and hand would just subside, not just this soon, but maybe in the morrow.

I cant forgive ourselves for not looking on the other side of reality that there was something wrong going on. There is no place for regret now. It was still fortunate that Nanay was able to hang on even at the nick of time before medical aid was given.

sinful indulgence

People always have tendencies to commit errors. Even the most elect fall to err. Saints sinned. Engineers may fail to compute the right structural weight and support, chemist may mix wrong solutions, navigators may fail to interpret the right location, drivers may miscalculate their speed and distance from other vehicles – which may cost a life - so with doctors.

Recently was mother had a stroke – July 14, 2008 – with the suggestion of doctors from the Provincial hospital we proceeded to a bigger hospital - a private hospital with a name.We reached the hospital around 12:00 midnight. I do not have comments with the doctors, just that there were at least four doctors, repeating the same questions and physical examinations to my mother, one after another, who was already very tired and stressed with the 4 hours travel. They’re checking their books for conditions that will fit to their initial diagnosis calling their resident doctor or senior doctor, I guess referring the case of my mother to him/her. I bet they have difficulty or just not sure or just making sure not be wrong with their diagnosis for the consideration of the real doctors or for the consultants later.

We have four doctors attending my mother, of course with different specialization, related to stroke and heart conditions. But none of them consider on the wound/cut on my mothers right hand. That was relatively big enough that anyone can notice, especially that there was an elastic bandage wrapped around with a splint on her right arm, and a gauze on the cut. That was the second day, when the doctor even told us to take off the bandage and ask for a dressing from a nurse.

We were discharge last July 19 to recuperate fully in our home. When we went home, she had no paralysis observed - typical paralysis impression of a stroke victim. She can walk. She can eat. The only problem is her speech because of the AF type of stroke (is it right, forgive me of my terminologies). She maintained the medicines prescribed as maintenance.

Last July 25, my sister noticed that my mother had a difficulty in opening her mouth. On the 26^th, we consulted another neurologist, as referred by our attending physician at the hospital. The neurologist recommended to be injected with calcium gluconate because apparently she has low calcium based on the medical records taken during her stay at the hospital last week. Yet, day after there was no improvement. The more her looks suggested something was terribly wrong with her. So we brought her to another hospital - a government hospital.

The diagnosis was tetanus- stage III.

Should have been one of the doctors back then look on the possibility of acquiring tetanus from the wound incurred by my mother during her stroke (telling them the cut might be caused by a bolo or a steel pole because nobody really saw what happened), she should not be in her miserable condition now.

The NGT and tracheostomy set up with the ventilator beside are so morbid to look at. Should she have been given with anti-tetanus shot; she should not be attached with those plastic and looking freak. Should she have been given with anti-tetanus shot, she had been spared with this unnecessary stay at the hospital. She should have not undergone tracheotomy. I cannot contain my frustration, but we could do nothing. It happened already.

It so frustrating thinking back that she should not suffer the way she is in now. What is more so frustrating is we can overlook basic concern. It is like that we can reduce the risk of infection by sterilizing our materials, keeping sterile the needles for injection, using alcohol to a wound, etc. But we focus more on something and overlook the basic. Is it not a routinary procedure to consider tetanus infection on a cut?

If you just look in the eyes of my mother as if begging something that I bet, she knew we would not understand, your heart will be wringed with pity. All you can do is assure her that everything will be fine. And just hold her for a time and stay with her. She had undergone the tracheostomy yesterday. As I was told, she was awake already this morning. But she has still spasms.

This was originally prepared last August 13, 2008