riddle

Yes, holding her by the hand and staying by her side are not enough for a person who has lot to say but cannot express it. My mother who suffered a stroke and affected her speech, guessing what she wanted to say is the most we can do. It is more than a pantomime. More than a “pinoy-henyo” game. I can see in her eyes the disappointment in times we could not get what she wanted to say. And then withdraw the attempt to drag it further, maybe believing we cannot understand it, and better keep it to herself. Maybe when her speech returns, she would later tell it at once.

While visiting her one day at the hospital, three days after she returned from a long sleep of tetanus treatment, about a month already after admission to the hospital, she tried to lift her hand and move along her face. Holding her hand when it dropped to her tracheo tubes, I was patiently waiting her hand to drop and immediately hold it not to touch the tubes, which would bring the ventilator machine to an alarming beep because the oxygen tube will be disengaged from the plastic attachment in her throat that aids to her breathing. Thinking that it was something itchy in her nose, I scratched it. I could see there was a relief (I guess so). Though, week later we found out that her nose has already a sore because of the NGT (Naso-gastric tube). She tried to reach her nose to tell us that something is wrong in it, but we did not get it. I was just grateful that her new doctor is as compassionate with her previous doctor, who handled her for the tetanus case.

Ahh, I recalled before she was brought back to the hospital for supposedly follow-up check up, after a week of being discharged, my mother entered my room and was calling me in the door. I could see her standing through the diffused light from the street. I intentionally left my room open so I would hear whatever was happening downstairs. Quickly I jumped off from bed and turned the lights on. I asked her, “cant you sleep?” She just answered with a nod. I led her downstairs and offered to accompany her watch TV until she would be sleepy. After 20 minutes, seeing that I was so tired from work, she said we sleep now. I sent her to her room and went upstairs to get a sleep for tomorrows 5-hour travel back to the hospital. My older sister who was sleeping also at my mother’s room did not even notice that my mother passed her when she left the room.

The night after the check-up, we crammed in the small place of my other sister with her husband, in the city. With a light dimly lit, my younger sister noticed that our mother was standing in the door looking at us sleeping soundly. She did not call anyone of us. She just stood there for a time as was later known by my sister. My sister stepped out of the room and ushered Nanay to the sala and asked her “whats up?”. The only response she uttered was “lisod” (hard). Seeing that she really had difficulty in swallowing, and was shown by her breathing, my sister raised the headboard of the folding bed and sent Nanay to sleep.

It was only when she was admitted for Tetanus that we realized what my mother wanted to say was “hard to breath” or “hard to swallow” and that she wanted to be brought to the hospital. She just cant say “hospital”. Or maybe we did not think that there was something not right. There was really something that she could not express nudging us to get some medical aid. We were not alarmed because we did not suspect of other disease or disorder aside from the stroke. We were confident that all was caused by stroke and believing that the stiffness on her jaw and hand would just subside, not just this soon, but maybe in the morrow.

I cant forgive ourselves for not looking on the other side of reality that there was something wrong going on. There is no place for regret now. It was still fortunate that Nanay was able to hang on even at the nick of time before medical aid was given.